The Big Move

I wrote a post almost two years ago titled "Sometimes it is the destination".  In that post I wrote about a trip we were getting ready to take to visit family in Utah.  The trip was wonderful, and life-changing. 
It was wonderful to see hubs with his whole family.  Everyone was there, with the exception of my son, who was with his dad for the summer. One evening during the trip we had a family dinner at my in-laws house. At one point after dinner as all the nieces and nephews were playing and brothers and sisters were visiting, I looked over at my mother-in-law.  She was just sitting there looking around at her family with the happiest look on her face.  I could just feel the contentment radiating from her, and at that very moment, I knew. I knew where we needed to be.
Hubs has mentioned wanting to move back to Utah many times.  I have to say that I was adamantly against it.  I grew up about an hour from where his parents live and I hated it.  I hated the slow pace, I hated the snow, I hated all of it.  My life was in California now.  It's where I had lived for the past 18 years, it's where my son was born, and the only place he had ever lived, it was the place I considered home.  It WAS the place I considered home, until I saw that look on my mother-in-law's face. At that point I realized my home was where I felt warmth from family.  I didn't have that in California.  I had many good friends, I had parents of my son's friends who I felt like I'd grown as a mom with, but as far as family? Nothing.  It was me and Bubs, until Hubs came along, then it was the three of us.  We made the most of holidays, but they never really felt like much, just us.  Even on the occasions when our friends were nice enough to invite us to share the holidays with them, it just wasn't the same.
The more I started thinking about it, the more I realized how much my son was being ripped off.  He needs family, he needs that connection.  Not to mention the fact that where we were living, he couldn't even go to the park across the street without fear of being shot. Our neighbors were junkies, and almost burnt our house down when they started theirs on fire.  Yeah, nice neighborhood.
When I told Hubs that I wanted to move, he was in disbelief.  I don't think he fully grasped it until we were on our way out here. 
Bubs was on board.  I was actually a little bit surprised.  He said he would miss his friends, but seemed excited at the prospect of getting to know a whole new part of his family.  He was excited about all of the activities he would be able to experience here.
There was one major issue with the move, and that was my ex-husband.  Unfortunately things got pretty ugly for awhile and we had to fight it out in court for almost a year.  It was one of the most stressful situations I've ever had to deal with.  It put us all through so much, but I knew in the end it would be worth it.  I won't get into details, but I will say that I had made a very generous offer to my ex regarding the move and visitation, but he chose to be a hard ass about it, and in the end ended up screwing himself.  My son sees his dad as much now as he did when we lived in the same state, but that's a whole other story.
We sold pretty much everything we owned to make the move out here.  We had no jobs lined up.  Thanks to our in-laws we had a place lined up to live temporarily.  It's a cozy little cabin in the woods.  Our move was a total leap of faith, and it paid off.  Two days after we got here, I had a job.  I was starting out making more than what I made in California.  A month later, Hubs got a job, a job that actually allowed him to cash a paycheck.  Bubs started school, and loved it.  He made friends right away. 
It has been almost 8 months since we moved here and I consider it a huge success.  It has been tough at times.  Like when it was -20 degrees and the cabin wouldn't get warmer than around 58 degrees.  Or the first few snow storms when I couldn't get down our steep dirt hill.  But those are temporary things I had to deal with, and they have already passed. Our lives are so much better.  We are happier, we are less stressed, we are in a better position financially (a fact that helped out immensely when my mom got sick and I had to fly to Tennessee with one day notice). 
Eight months later, I am also still amazed by how beautiful it is here.  The mountains, the wildlife, even the snow, it's all amazing, and something I hope I never take for granted. 
I am thankful to be here.  I feel at peace here, and I know that this is where I am supposed to be right now. 

Here I Go Again

How many times have I said I was going to start posting on my neglected blog, only to start ignoring it again? You know how it goes, life gets in the way.  When life is exciting with so many things going on, I may want to write about them, but I don't have the time.  These days, it's easier to put a two sentence status update on Facebook than it is to write a whole blog post. And then of course, when I have the time to write, my life is boring and I have nothing to say that I think anyone would be particularly interested in.  Of course, maybe nobody is even interested in reading the things I perceive to be exciting.  Oh well.  I write for my own benefit, and if other people get enjoyment out of it then that's just gravy.
I've decided I need to make the time to write.  It's something I enjoy and it's good for me.  Sometimes I get so lost in my own head that I need this escape. I need to get all my extra thoughts and words out of my head, even if at times it's just babbling. 
So, I'm back...again.  It's been about a year and a half since my last post, and SO much in my life has changed.  I guess while I'm waiting for the next exciting event in my life, I will spend some time catching you all up on what's been going on.  So stay tuned, there is so much more to come.............

Sometimes it is the Destination

I have an exciting vacation coming up.  The hubs and I are taking a road trip with 2 of our 3 kids and our grand daughter.  While on vacation we will be visiting family and attending my 20 year high school reunion.  As excited as I am for the vacation as a whole, there is one thing that I'm doing on this vacation that makes everything else pale in comparison......

I get to see my Grams!!!!!   Some of you may remember me talking about my Grams before, she is one of my most favorite people ever!  The last time I saw my Grams was almost two years ago and she was laying in a hospital bed recovering from a broken neck and serious head trauma.  She had taken a pretty bad spill, and considering her age (85 at the time) the doctors didn't really think she would make it through.  So that visit was spent with my Dad and brother making funeral arrangements and attending to all of Grams affairs.  I still want to cry thinking about it. 

By the time I had to leave to come home, Grams was doing a little bit better, but they still weren't optimistic about a full recovery.  Even if she did make it through the immediate danger, she would probably go into a rest home and never be the same.  I remember the day I said "good-bye" to her in the hospital, I remember thinking that would probably be the last time that I ever saw her, and I remember thinking how happy I was that the kid was with me on his trip.  He had met Grams plenty of times, but this was the first time he was old enough to probably remember really well.  And even though she was in the hospital, all banged up, he would be able to know who she was later on when I talked about her and what an amazing woman she was. 

Now, when I say amazing woman, I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea...Grams is no Saint.  She is one stubborn, crazy, troublemaker.  I probably relate to her more than anyone else I've ever known.  She can be a sweet woman, but she also won't stand for any B.S. and she'll tell you how it is when necessary. 

Well, Grams did recover from her injuries, almost fully.  She has to use a cane to get around, and she says she can't do her daily crossword puzzle anymore.  But I think the same could be said for a majority of 87 year olds.  She has been fortunate enough to continue living on her own.  She lives in a very small town and thankfully there are some really great people who stop in to check on her and make sure she has everything she needs. 

I am so looking forward to seeing Grams and giving her a big hug!  I already felt blessed that she was a part of my life, but I have felt especially blessed the last two years, and am thankful for every extra moment I get with her.

Catching Up

Wow, I can't believe that next month my hubs and I will celebrate our second wedding anniversary.  The last two years have gone faster than any other time in my life, even if at times it felt like I was stuck in slow motion with no hope of ever moving forward. 

Many things have changed in my life these past two years, besides the normal changes that go along with hitching up with another human being.  I think the biggest change has been my decision to let go of things (or people) who brought nothing positive to my little world. 

I've had to distance myself from some "friends" who brought nothing but upheaval into my life simply because they thought they knew certain dynamics of the sometimes complicated relationship that my husband and I share.  I admit, that if I were an outsider looking in, I might not understand what the two of us have.  But the important thing is that the two of us understand what we have and our love is the kind of love that defies logic.  I know that sounds silly, but it's totally true.  I have an absolute love and respect for my hubs, and he knows that, so as long as he knows how I feel about him, I don't care anymore what anyone thinks or their perception of how I treat him. 
Wow, sorry, didn't really mean to go off on that.  But I guess it was bothering me and I wanted, or maybe really needed, to get it out there.

Despite the fact that a few relationships may have fallen by the wayside, the relationships that I need to be in tact are better than ever.  I continue to have a beautiful relationship with my son, even as he inches closer and closer to becoming a teenager.  With every year I realize more how blessed I am to have such an amazing child.  He really has a beautiful soul, and is one of the kindest people I know.  I love the open communication that we are able to share, and I know some people say that will change, but honestly I don't see it happening.   I also have been able to share the relationship with my stepchildren that I had hoped for, but worried wouldn't happen.  They are amazing kids, well, adults now.  We have been able to start spending more time with them and it's been wonderful getting to be there for milestones.  I've also been fortunate enough to forge a relationship with their mom and even her side of the family.  They have all been so kind to me, and treated me like a part of the family.  I cannot even express how much it means to me.  I am so happy that we can all come together at the important moments in our children's lives and not just tolerate one another, but actually enjoy each other's company. 

Life is always evolving, and we can either evolve with it or become sad and bitter.  I have spent plenty of time being bitter about things that I should have let go a long time ago.  My goal now is to just keep moving forward, and to do it (mostly) with a smile on my face.

Change is in the air

Hi, my name is B.B., some of you may remember me.  Where have I been?  Really, honestly it'd be easier to say where I haven't been, which is on my bike.  Some of you already know this, but I have decided to sell my sportster.  It's been a hard decision, and that must be why I haven't really put that much effort into actually trying to find someone to buy it.  But for reasons that are beyond my control I have to get on it and get it done.
I have decided I would really like to get back into my blog, but obviously it will be changing quite a bit and will focus on other aspects of my life and where it's headed now. 
So it may not be of any interest to some of you any more.....of course I haven't written for so long, I don't even know how many people will actually even read this.  But I hope that at least some of you will find some use for my ramblings about daily life. 
In the next week or so I will be changing the title of my blog to better fit its content, so stay tuned because change is in the air......................

Beyond Frustration

So I just looked at my last post...January 5th...What the hell? And that post, while very relevant to my life, had nothing to do with riding, in fact neither have the last 10 or 11. It has been 9 months since I've been on my bike. So that explains why no riding posts, it also explains why I'm a little absent from commenting on other blogs. Because although I love, love, love reading the experiences of those of you who I've come to count as friends...honestly it also pisses me off a little bit. I'm feeling angry, I'm feeling resentful, I'm feeling left out! Please don't take this the wrong way, it's just honest sharing between friends and obviously it isn't your fault that I am where I am. I work hard to support my family, and take care of what needs to be taken care of, and I'm happy that I'm able to do it. I am very happy in general with where I am in my life, but I just feel like when it comes to the bike, I can't get where I need to be. My bike hasn't been registered since July and every time I get "caught up" on everything else something else comes along that needs attending to. Every time I go into the garage I want to cry, my poor bike is just sitting there. And then I start feeling sorry for myself, and then I get pissed off at myself...how can I have this pity party? I have so much more than so many people, and I'm going to whine about what I can't do right now? I also could have put off my upcoming vacation so that I could get the bike registered, but I have made a vow to put people before things in my life, and I need this vacation, I need time with my husband, who has been working 60 hour work weeks ever since we got back from our honeymoon (mostly without pay) and I need to spend time with my son, and mostly I need to see my family. I can't believe how much I miss them, and I can't believe that I'm just now realizing this. I don't know what I'm going on about, just feeling pissy right now I guess. Bottom line is that I am truly blessed! The bike is safe and sound in the garage and not going anywhere, and when I am able I will get back on and make up for lost time, and in the meantime I am going to enjoy the people I have in my life, and I will even try to read all of your riding posts without shedding any tears and shorting out my keyboard.

You're a Good Man Viking Dave!

Obviously I think my husband is pretty great, otherwise I wouldn't have married him. However, even if I look at him not as my husband, but only as a man, I think he is one of the most wonderful people in the world.
Some of you are familiar with Dave's business situation. He owns a coffee shop and he gets all kinds in here. I'm not trying to scare anyone away, but you can usually find more than a handful of down and outers hanging around. There is the group who comes over from one of the recovery centers down the road, there are the old guys who stay at the mission at night, but have no where to go during the day, and then you have some people who never talk to anyone but themselves so you don't really know their story. Most business owners would chase these people out the door before they could step in it.
Not my Dave, he not only gives these people a place of refuge, but he treats them like human beings, which a lot of people have forgotten they are. He talks to them and shows an interest in them and lets them know that he is here for them. He helps them on the computer if they need it, or anything else they may need help with.
I know he grows impatient sometimes, I can see it in his face. And even when he confides to me that he is going to 'stop being so nice' I know that he can't. He is who he is supposed to be, he can't help it, it's his nature.
He inspires me to be a better person, and I can't think of a single person other than Dave who I would want to be my son's role model of what a real man should be.
What I want to share with Dave (and everyone) is this....your kindness can save people. That young man who I'm sure was interrupting your game tonight....he had no one else to talk to, nobody else in this world cares where he is right now or if he's safe, healthy, and fed. You gave him a precious gift that cost you nothing. I know you were getting a little annoyed, but the point is that he didn't know it, all he knew was that for a few minutes somebody was treating him the way a human being should be treated.
He is just one example, I see you do this with people over and over everyday. It doesn't go unnoticed, and maybe, hopefully, by your example others will decide to open themselves up a little bit more. We could really use more people like you in this world.